Call of the Green Monster

Lucchino Finds Little Humor in Epstein New Year's Prank

  He thought it was the ultimate New Year’s gift from heaven.  Larry Lucchino walked out to his front steps to pick up the paper on New Year’s Day, and saw a headline on the Boston Globereporting that Mark Teixeira, C.C. Sabathia, and A.J.Burnett had all suffered career-ending injuries since signing long-term deals with the New York Yankees.  It was a moment of true elation, of pure joy and sheer happiness…but it would be short-lived.

“I decided to play a little New Year’s joke on Larry,” Epstein snickered, still enjoying his mischievous prank.  He explained that Globe columnist Dan Shaugnessy helped him put together the phony newspaper. “Of course, I never dreamed that Larry would be stupid enough to actually believe it—but Larry’s always full of surprises like that. And Dan was great to help--I knew he'd never pass up the opportunity to hurt another person.”

Lucchino, however, saw no humor at all in Epstein’s little game.  “I was so excited at the prospect of those players being permanently maimed and unable to pursue their careers,” he said, wiping away a tear as he recounted his grief.  “I was going to send Hank Steinbrenner a bouquet of roses and really rub his nose in it.  I had champagne cooling…hell, I was going to run through the streets in my underwear.  That little pipsqueak is going to pay for this.”

When Epstein was asked about possible retaliation from Lucchino, he shrugged his shoulders.  “Larry already had my entire office covered with Vaseline,” he said.  “It’s no big deal.  I’ll just take a few days off while they clean it.  It’s not like I’m missing out on any free agents this off-season…”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Exclusive: Yankees Laid Off 50 Janitors on Christmas Eve to Help Finance Sabbathia Contract

A shocking revelation comes from the Yankees front office, as Call of the Green Monsterhas learned that Hank Steinbrenner fired 50 janitors— long employed by the Yankees and making less than minimum wage—on Christmas Eve to help finance the signing bonus given to free agents C.C. Sabathia, Mark Teixeira, and A.J. Burnett.  When approached, Steinbrenner made no attempt to deny the report.

“We’re a business,” Steinbrenner said, “and while most of those guys have been with us for more than twenty years, the bottom line is they’ve expendable. Hell, they can live just fine on boiling water and ketchup—makes a lovely tomato soup, I’m told. Yes, their salaries are pretty pathetic, but pooled together we can take a bite out of the signing bonuses that idiot Cashman gave to those free agents.  For crying out loud, Sabathia gets more money than God and an opt-out clause, and we give him a bonus as well?”

Steinbrenner went on to say that the Yankees are looking within the organization to see who else they can exploit to help fund their lavish contracts.  “Secretaries, employees nearing retirement, younger guys with families…they’re all potential targets,” he said.  “We’ve already spent nearly a half of a billion dollars on three players.  It’s just a fact of life with the Yankees: the less fortunate pay the price while the rich get richer.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

With Teixeira Signed, Hank Steinbrenner Hopes Red Sox Fans Have “Perfectly Miserable Christmas”

It is the horror of horrors for Red Sox fans.  The free agent fans so coveted and seemingly had, is lost when the Yankees swoop in at the last minute and drastically overpay to sign him.  Instead of having the good news of landing Mark Teixeira before Christmas, Sox fans have to swallow humble pie and look to drown their sorrows.

“To all Red Sox fans, I have a song: Have yourselves a lousy little Christmas,” a particularly vile, mean-spirited Hank Steinbrenner sang when the signing was announced.  “Like the Who’s in Whoville, their Christmas presents have been taken away—only we’re not the Grinch, we’re the mighty New York Yankees--0-for-the-century and buying our way out of it. I hope all Red Sox fans have a perfectly miserable Christmas.” Steinbrenner then announced he was giving all non-essential staff Christmas day off.

Meanwhile the Red Sox, desperate for a splash signing after losing the biggest name on the market, have contacted a leading public relations firm to hash out plans to inform the public that Manny Ramirez was never any problem and that it was all a misunderstanding.

“That’s right, we’re signing Manny,” Theo Epstein said after taking a long pull on a bottle of Jack Daniel’s.  His expression turned particularly dark and grim.  “Every day Manny was here was a joy.  He’s…uh…a wonderful human being. We never wanted Teixiera, we wanted Manny back all along.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Boras Panicking as All Teams Pull Out of Teixeira Hunt

A panicking Scott Boras took to the phones with a fury this morning after he realized there were no longer any teams left pursuing pricy free agent Mark Teixeira. Last week, the Red Sox announced they were ""no longer a factor.  Yesterday, the Angels followed suit.  And, Call of the Green Monster has learned that the Nationals, Orioles, and Yankees all decided this morning that they, too, would pull out of the Teixeira sweepstakes.  This means that there are no teams left in baseball interested in signing Teixeira.

In a desperation move, Teixeira, who previously said he would like to reach a decision by Christmas, immediately announced that he was moving the decision day up to Easter. “There’s no law that says I have to sign with a team before the season starts,” he commented.  “I want to take my time, and land the best deal possible.  Besides, I'm way behind on Christmas shopping and don't have time for the press conferences you've gotta go through when you sign with a team."

Meanwhile Boras was doing what he does best: fabricating rumors about other teams’ interest in his player. “Oh, there are many teams still interested,” he said earnestly, nose quivering and jutting outward a few inches with his lie.  “We have a firm offer of $35 million a year for twelve years, but we’re going to wait it out and see how the market shapes up. And no, I'm not going to tell you what team it is.”

Meanwhile, Boras’s message seemed to get Hank Steinbrenner’s attention.  Sources told COTGM that Steinbrenner screamed out “Cashman, get in here!” at the news of Boras’s statement.  “We can get Teixeira for $35 million a year for twelve years!  This would move me closer to my fantasy—baseball-related fantasy, that is—of having a payroll of over a billion dollars. Get Boras on the phone, son, we’re bidding against ourselves again and nobody does it better!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

Francona Institutes Controversial "English Only" Policy for Clubhouse

A deeply stressed Terry Francona told Call of the Green Monster yesterday that he has grown tired of the many different languages spoken by Red Sox players and believes it has impacted his ability to manage. “I just can’t keep up with all these languages,” he said with a deep sigh. “Dice-K and Oki speak two different dialects of Japanese, Beckett fires so many F-bombs I can never understand what he’s actually saying, you got all the guys speaking Spanish, and, when he was here,you got whatever the hell language Manny spoke—I thought it was Spanish but the Latin guys say they can’t understand him either. Not to mention, I can’t understand half the guys speaking English here. It's too much stress.”
��������� An exasperated Francona finally called a team meeting saying that only English would be allowed in the clubhouse. “I’m tired of all these translators and one Latino guy trying to explain to me what another guy is saying…no more! It’s tough enough managing in Boston with the newspaper nitwits and talk-radio morons. I told the guys: Clearly spoken English with no slang or expressions that confuse me.”
��������� Foreign players on the team were scrambling to bookstores to buy English-speaking tapes, while others looked for crash courses to take. Dice K, meanwhile, sat quietly by his locker, humming a Japanese folk tune. How did he feel about the new policy? "“That Francona guy, I can never understand a word he’s saying,"he said in struggling English. "Speak the language, man!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Manny Thoroughly Confused About Trade

“So,” began Manny Ramirez as he sat in Joe Torre’s office after yesterday’s Dodgers game, “this has been fun out here this weekend.”
           “Good, Manny, good,” said Torre as he sipped some tea.
           “But, I gotta tell you, I’m very confused, dude.  Why am I out here?”
           “You were traded, Manny, remember.”
            “Yeah, I remember…but I guess I’m a little confused about that,” Manny said.  “When am I going back to the Red Sox?  Do you the hits I got this weekend count for the Red Sox?  Should I be catching a plane to Kansas City, will I…
           “Manny,” said a sympathetic Torre, “this is for the rest of year, then you’re a free agent.  You’re done with the Red Sox.  It’s over.”
           “Done with the Red Sox? Over?” Manny said, and then began laughing.  “No, dude, it’s not over.  This was just Manny being Manny again.  Me causing problems.  Me acting like a 10-year-old brat.  Don’t you know what happens?  Everybody on the Red Sox gets mad at me, and then they forget about it. I get away with it every time.  So when do I go back?”
           “Not this time, son.  You’re a Dodger for the rest of the season—then you’re on your own.”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Emotional Manny Wants to Come Back to Red Sox

 Just a few minutes after Manny Ramirez learned he had been traded to the Los Angeles Dodgers, he held a party at his condo, complete with a salsa band, elephant rides for the kids, and an indoor Ferris wheel.  “Oh, I’m so happy!!!” he sang to the music as he danced through the rooms.  Then he stopped and asked a close friend, “Who’d they give up with me?”
           Manny was then informed that in addition to himself, Craig Hansen and Brandon Moss had been shipped to Pittsburg.  But when he was told that the Red Sox would be paying the remainder of his salary, a wide-eyed Ramirez stood in shock.  “Stop the party, cut the salsa music, and get the dancing girls outta here—kids, close your eyes,” Ramirez shouted.  He paused for a moment trying to control his emotion, as tear brimmed in his eyes.  “Did you just tell me that the Boston Red Sox are going to pay my salary for the rest of the year?  Oh my goodness!  Lemme tell you, that’s unconditional love for you, dude.  That’s the best people I ever knew, man.  They love me, they really love me.  Paying me to play for another team!”
           Ramirez then went on an ugly tirade expressing his dislike for Dodger management, and threatening violence against club officials.  “The way they treated me, they don’t deserve me.  I’m sick of them.”  When reminded that he hadn’t yet met Dodger management, Ramirez shoved his friend to the ground.
           “Lemme tell you, I demand to go back to the team I love, the Boston Red Sox.  I think now they deserve me.  Now put the salsa music back on and let’s get dancin’.  I love you Boston Red Sox.  I’ll be with you forever!”
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Joba Chamberlain Claims He’s Just Seeing How Close He Can Come to Youkilis’s Head

Although Red Sox fans are irate at the fact that cowardly lion Yankee pitcher Joba Chamberlain has thrown behind the head of Kevin Youkilis at least three times over the past year, Chamberlain yesterday told COTGM that he has no ill intent in the actions.
           “It’s really become a curiosity issue with me,” Chamberlain said.  “I came close to hitting him in the head the first time in Yankee Stadium.  I felt bad, but it was kind of cool coming so close.  So I did it again to see if I could come closer.  Then it got kind of addictive.  Now, I want to see if I can hit a hair on his head without actually hitting his skull.  But heck, I don't want to hurt the man.”
           When informed of the news, Youkilis seemed relieved.  “Well, if he’s just trying to see how close he can come—but not actually hit me—I guess I have no problem with that,” the embattled first baseman replied calmly.  “I mean when he’d thrown at my head, like, four times, I was thinking, you know, it might be time to charge the mound or something--or throw the bat at his head.  But if he’s just having a little fun, hey, it’s a long season.  Blow off some steam.  I'll give him a call, and maybe we can meet for coffee."
bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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Ben Kingsley Set to Star in “The Terry Francona Story”

        It is projected to be one of the biggest films of our time.  Paramount Pictures has bought the rights to produce “The Terry Francona Story,” which will be released in theaters across the world sometime next year.  Yesterday, it was announced that Academy Award winning actor Ben Kingsley will play the starring role.
          “It is an honor and a privilege to play Terry,” Kinglsey told Call of the Green Monster.  “I’ve been stuffing my cheek with tobacco and bubblegum around the clock, practicing repeatedly taking my hat on and off, spitting seeds like a machine gun, and I’ve got that rocking motion he does on the bench down to perfection.  I even met with Millsey the other day to get some background information on his friend.  And, Terry’s been great. He’s a big fan.”
           Indeed, Francona, who openly admits he has no interest in anything in life other than baseball, said that he recently rented a bunch of Kingsley’s films.  “The one I liked the best was “Sexy Beast,” ‘cause that kinda reminds me of myself a little bit,” he said, actually with a straight face.  “I’m a happily married guy, but when you manage two World Champion teams, you’re fighting off the babes constantly.”    Francona’s players were laughing hysterically in the background upon hearing this.  “Ghandi,” he continued, “I couldn’t sit through that ‘cause it’s so long, and I had no idea what it was about.  But overall I think Benny will do a great job.  It'll be tough for him to get down all the nuances and subtleties of my personality, but he’ll be okay.”
          “It’s the easiest role of my career,” Kingsley said flatly.  “If I can learn to chew humongous wads of tobacco, spit like a hyperactive squirrel, and repeatedly slap guys on the ass, I’ll be fine.”

bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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ARod Admits to Using Brylcreem

Another ARod bombshell has hitthe Yankees just as they come to town to play the Red Sox, as Call of the Green Monsterconfronted ARod with the accusation that the star uses Brylcreem to maintain is hair.
            “I do and I’m proud of it,” ARod confirmed.  “It gives me that little extra bounce I love. I will also be the first to go on record as saying that the legend is true: a little dab really will do ya’.”  His teammates tried to hide their embarrassment, but several players admitted to COTGM that they frequently see ARod putting a little dab of white substance into his hair.
           “He’s must be the only human being—and I use that term loosely--on earth still using that stuff,” Derek Jeter said.  “We don’t need this.  All weekend those fans are going to be wearing Madonna masks and ripping out every Madonna and Kabballah bit there is.  It's gonna be merciless. Can we please get rid of this clown and just play baseball?”
           Meanwhile ARod could be seen prancing through the field at Fenway, singing the Brylcreem theme song.  Jason Varitek smiled wickedly as he watched.  “Oh, is it going to be a tough weekend for him.  Brylcreem boy might have to get paid back for Chamberlain throwing at Youk.  And wait ‘till the fans get to him.  Tears are a definite possibility.

 bill@callofthegreenmonster.com

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